Pity Party, Table for 1

Please someone bring me back to reality! How pitiful do I have to be that I am truly having a pity party for myself that I don't get a "vacation" this summer?

I have absolutely nothing that should allow me to be feeling sorry for myself; my kiddos each are getting special trips this year. My oldest went to Chicago for a week for a missions trip, they both are going to church camp and my youngest will be going to cheerleading camp for a few days. My money is where my heart is: my kids.

So tell me, why am I in a slump tonight that has caused me to leave the healthy eating bus at the depot?

My kids go to a private school that we must sacrifice daily to afford. We again sacrifice to make sure they enjoy their summer and get experience that allow them to grow emotionally and spiritually.

I don't need a super crazy trip to a private island with my own personal concierge, or an African safari where I get to see and touch endangered animals. My wonderful husband and I am taking off the week the girls go to camp to spend time together and whatever we do will be awesome as we will get to be together with no kiddos!

Side note for the future: my job is good; I enjoy what I do but am definitely not making Fortune 500 any time soon. I would love to be able to make enough that having a nice family vacation would not phase our finances :)

Pity party OVER! Time to go on a walk/jog to work off these hateful feelings!

Writing Your Story

I love Donald Miller - I have thoroughly enjoyed his books!  He is a great writer and I find inspiration from his words.  I am in the process of reading his latest, Storyline 2.0, and participating in his website about writing your own life story.  I LOVE this concept!!  I love it so much I am looking for some people to participate with me and do a small group study of the book.  Interested??

And the Winner Is...

My oldest daughter's volleyball team is on a winning streak!  Too bad they have 1 more game and then tournaments - they finally won their 1st game Saturday, barely lost yesterday and won today!  To see how she has improved is awesome!!!  She is truly having the best school year she has had for as long as I can remember.  She has straight A's, is feeling confident and is involved in extra-curriculars.  WOW!!

She is the winner in our family while I feel like the Loser!  I still can't shake my frustration with what is going on with me right now.  I went to school for 2 years to earn this extra certification and unfortunately I am in a holding pattern, well maybe a slight slope downward with my situation at my job.  Let's pray that something gives....

To take this to even lower level, I allowed this frustration to bubble over and lash out at my youngest daughter.  She is an amazing girl - super smart, extremely sweet, and probably has the most spiritual, gracious heart of anyone I know.  I broke tonight and yelled at her for reasons so unimportant in hindsight that my eyes are tearing up as I type this.  I have apologized, comforted her and discussed the situation that brought about the confrontation but I know that the damage is done - the words I said and the tone of my voice can not be retracted.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't curse at her or tear her down, but I did upset her and that is wrong.  I want the best for my kids - I sometimes confuse what I want for them for what they want and is best for them.  No matter  what is going on with me, I have to step back and separate my issues from my parenting.  My next reaction will be to close my eyes, communicate with God to let it go and then turn my focus on what he has given me - my wonderful family!

In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak, who are caught in the schemes he devises.

—Psalm 10:2

I am not calling my children weak (verseoftheday.com), I am calling myself wicked and arrogant!

Dear Lord,

Please forgive me for not respecting the gift you have lent me; my children.  They are not mine, they are yours and I need to remember that.  I know that although I may feel like I am facing a storm, I know you are the calmer of the storms.  You can allow men to walk on water in the roughest of seas!  I ask you to give me the strength to climb out of the boat and meet you on the water.  I thank you for all that you have blessed me with - I know that the simple things I take for granted are blessings that countless others would not take for granted.  I know that you are with me always and are carrying me through this.  You will guide me; I have to remember to be quiet and listen to you!

If it breaks it isn't strong enough

Irony for the day...  I swear God sent this dog to us to really teach me more about how my life is a metaphor of his behavior.

Remember how he kept breaking out of his cage and destroying things around the house?  Well, we have been able to move the crate, turn it so only the small door is the one we use and reinforce the areas he was breaking out through.  He has actually been doing very well - he goes in relatively easily when we leave and hasn't tried to escape to our knowledge.  However, he is not "broken".  Since he can't get out, he has instead turned to breaking and destroying the plastic tray of the kennel.  He has already destroyed the crate bed he had, ripped the blanket that we put in and now the plastic tray is in one large piece, a medium piece and a few smaller pieces.  There are some spots there is no plastic.

Am I upset?  Sure!  This means I now have to buy a new tray.  But, this new tray will be stronger and better - I am going to buy a large drip oil pan (reinforced steel).  Will he try to destroy it?  Maybe once, but then he will realize that it will not so easily be broken or torn.  Hopefully this will help him relax and play with his toys and sleep while we are gone.

Isn't this how my life works too?  I fight against the One that knows what is best for me.  He tries to keep me safe and comfortable - despite myself!  He keeps showing me there is a better, easier way.  I am broken and He is the only one that can show me how to be fixed.

On a different front - I still haven't said hi to my scale but I wore an outfit today that fit great that last time I wore it, I found it a little snug!!  Also, I called my girls' school today about subbing on my morning(s) off and they were very helpful saying that I would definitely be used; teachers like to just take off 1/2 days for appointments and I can do Kdg. and preschool as they are 1/2 day!  I truly am excited that God is opening this door for me!! Thank you Lord!

End of the Month Round up

I have calmed down and relaxed a little since Friday...  That day took pretty much everything out of me.  I was so excited to have my husband home but so upset with how the day had played out.  I needed him home; to talk to, to comfort me and to just relax with.  His day had been crazy too so we were able to commiserate together which was nice (in a weird way!).

Saturday was exciting!  My daughter's team won their 1st volleyball game of the season (which is almost over)!  They have improved so much over the weeks and I love to watch them play together and the true teamwork and camaraderie that has developed.  They have a few more games this week ending in the season ending tournaments on Saturday.  She has grown so much from this experience and I am so proud of her!  We went to church and I am very excited about our series that we are coming into - I am looking forward to seeing the part I play in God's plan.

Today we celebrated our library building's 10th anniversary.  As a board member, this was a nice event to look back at where the library has come in our community.  The event was very nicely done - the picture boards that were put together were great!  It was nice to see people I haven't gotten to see in several years :)

The weekend was also productive!  I am almost finished with my application for my girl's school so that I can start to substitute there when I am off at my job (especially now with my hours being cut), I have been working on my resume and I think I have another idea for a possibility for subbing that I will work on once I find out for sure what hours are being cut.

I am trying really hard to let go and let God; I recognize that I have to make decisions but knowing that God is in control really helps alleviate the pressure associated with those.  I know that He will guide me as long as I am quiet and allow Him to speak!

"There is a choice you make in everything you do. So keep in mind that in the end, the choice you make, makes you." ~ John Wooden

Welcome to Crummy Day....Party of 1

Could a Friday really be so bad???  Let's put it this way, if I could get a redo button on today, I am scared to push it for fear that it really could make it worse if possible.  :(

My husband has been in California for the last 2 days and today he will be home!  Yeah!!  I mention this because 2 weeks ago, he didn't know he would be leaving so he volunteered to provide transportation for my youngest daughter for a school field trip.  Guess who had to step in?  Not that big of a deal except the details were not all provided so the return trip back to school was a rather large gray area.  This morning the teacher seemed to not know that I was not going to actually spend the day at the field trip and then told me that I would need to be back at 2:15 to take the kids back to school.  I work until 3:15.  Anyone see a problem?  I went to work and discussed the situation and unfortunately was told it wouldn't work out.  Heart crushing, stomach churning disappointment.  I later realized that this was only part of the story.  After work, I was given some more disappointing news about my job.  Without going into details, I will be working less; this would be okay if it would allow me to work somewhere else to make up the difference.  This is an issue that apparently I have to work out.   Immediately following this not so great news, I get a phone call from my girls that they were at school waiting for me to pick them up; school had been out for almost an hour.  UGH!!

I drove to get the girls crying about how disappointing my day had been; I even left a tearful message for my poor husband who was hours away from being able to talk with me.  I thought I had pulled myself together until my youngest opened the car door and I saw the look in her eyes and on her face of sadness and disappointment in her field trip transportation.  I broke down again and apologized through my tears while crying and telling them about my day as I tearfully drove home.  To say that I have been blessed with 2 sweet, kind-hearted, and spiritual girls would be just touching the tip of the iceberg.  They were completely understanding and uplifting as they listened to me vent and offered me their love and support.

The good news is I will get to see my husband shortly and he will ground me and advise me!  There are far worse positions to be in - I am healthy, blessed and am keeping my focus on the fact that if God is closing a door, he will open and window or I will wait on my knees in the hallway waiting for His direction.

Verse of the day (verseoftheday.com) truly works for me today!!!

...so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him.

—Hebrews 9:28

Head above water

The past few days feel like I am treading water and the shoreline isn't in sight.....

Not sure why I feel so anxious.  There is some uncertainty with my life right now, but isn't there always?  I am not the one with the answers...  I have to keep reminding myself of that and instead of feeling down, remember to bow down.

Can I just tell you how much I cannot wait for this month to be over???  I am so ready to move on and into full fall mode of October!  I love the cool evenings, the pumpkins (food, decorations) and all the festivities.  Our community Fall Fest is a month away and things are still working to get everything in place.  This is a great event for our community and I love being a key factor in making sure it all goes off well!

Weight loss update - haven't been on a scale in 2 weeks (avoidance!) and have been really pushing myself to up my water intake.  The good news my bladder will be nice and clean - I am pumping the water through in hopes of losing the water weight and kicking my metabolism up.  My workout routine is non-existant :(  I have got to get moving!!!